rock-a-bye baby on a tree top.
when the wind blows, the cradle will rock.
when the bark breaks, the cradle will fall.
and down will come baby,
cradle,
and all.

ahahaha!! i didnt know nursery rhymes are this cool. i can almost smell the bloody scene with the baby's smashed skull and squashed head with its blood splattered gooing the ground and the cradle's smashed pieces entangled with the baby's twisted corpse. lovely. just lovely.
what a lovelely lullabye to make you sleep.hah hah!

recently i've been very busy figuring out ways on how to make my manga

look,uhm.. professional.back then i used to make mangas thinking like... yeah

yeah,scribble,scribble,doodle,doodle,ink,ink,and barabing-baraboom!! a manga!

but right now when i look at all the crappy shit i made,it makes me think like

WTF did i do this? ahahaha... so now i dont just wanna make an arrogant

manga,i'll make it more professionalized.


there's just one thing that bothers me.lately i realized that all mangas have

humor.even the most serious ones have few panels that depict humor,or just

being whimsical.then i looked at my manga... then like.. WTF? i dont have any

panel that shows humor? what? dammit..

i think humor is essential so readers won't get bored or the story won't become

dull.. and i think its staple to every manga.

but.but.i dont know how to make something that others would find funny.waaa...

i dont know what'll make people laugh or even just make them giggle while they

read my manga.

then i thought,all that professionalism'll just lead to nothing if my manga'll be

boring.

i must figure out a way to solve this problem...

im ok now.
for all the comments and concern,thank you people. thanks very much.
it meant a lot.
i feel fine now.
i hope this goes on... even if not for a lifetime,i just want this sense of being calm to stay with me.
it feels good to smile, mostly when i'm not just pretending to be happy.
makes me feel ok.
i'm really thankful.

tonight i hope things won't turn out as fucked up as last Xmas.
though i am still fucked up.
i think there's nothing wrong if i am wishing to be at least happy even for just this fucking night.
i already accepted the fact that i cannot escape living this miserable fucked up life.
please make me smile from the bottom of my raptured heart.
everybody needs a bit of happiness every once in a while.

i want to die.
please.
i wish i'd just die as soon as possible.
i dont have the courage to kill myself.
please, anyone.
i want it so badly.
this fucked up life.
this fucked up me.
fucking Xmas.
fucking God.
fucking love.
fucking life.
i wish i'd just die.

                                                                     wishing gives you hope.
                                                                hoping makes you believe.
                                                               believing gives you reason.
                                                  you try because you have a reason.
                                                            you expect because you try.




          you turn your back away from reality

                                                in the shadows you smile.
                                                       in a smile you dream.

but it all comes down to wishing.
and wishes are just fucking wishes.


               WISHES ARE IMPOSSIBLE.

its saddens me to realize how people i consider important can take me for granted.
people can be really really selfish at times... and its so depressing.

10 people/things you like:

1. arcade games esp. fighting games
2. anime/manga
3. alternative/rock music j-rock/local/western
4. my GF
5. my 'close' friends
6. my PC
7. my mech pencil
8. the moon
9. money (yes,people ya hafta be honest every once in a while)
10. my memories

5 things that make you happy: (friends is a given)

1. i forgot how to be happy
2. i want to be happy
3. i cant become happy
4. i'm currently looking for a way to be happy
5. do we need to be happy?

10 things that you hate/dislike:

1. selfish people
2. God
3. life
4. love
5. the past
6. betrayal
7. losing in an arcade match
8. having to come up with something original only to find out that it already             pre-existed
9. myself
10. money

3 facts about your name:

1. its a three-letter-one-word name
2. it means gift from God (so im a fucking gift?)
3. people who know me pronounce it as "aian" which is how i like it to be pronounced

6 facts about yourself:

1. i love salt
2. i have long fingernails
3. i so fucking cant stop my bad habit of biting my fingers, which is so damn annoying.since i was in preschool up til now, i cant control it!
4. i easily get intimidated
5. i love to draw
6. i write short stories,then after a couple of weeks i throw them away

2 things you expect (at least for now):

1. nothing
2. nothing

4 random thoughts:

1. a chocolate bar
2. face powder
3. ming-ming (my cat)
4. my aching thumb

Song you're listening to (give singer):

Sweet Dreams - Marilyn Manson
This is the New Shit - Marilyn Manson
Rewrite - Asian Kung-fu Generation
Dreamless World - Siam Shade

12 People you'll tag this to:

doing everything to please.doing everything for permanence.doing everything for sacrifice.doing everything for temporary smiles.temporary laughs.temporary fun.
all things just lead to one.
know your place slave.and that place has no right.you ought to remember that.you must not cherish,for everything will just pass you by.you have no right you slave.you dont belong in a world of butterflies and merry laughs.you belong in a rotting prison where your heart does not know the difference of sanity and insanity.you are a living lie.a dead with a life.learn to embrace it.

unhappy.very very unhappy.

my mind aches fuck and angst and apathy and fuck and shit and boredom...
this life is boring.
everything is.
everything feels worhtless.
everything sucks.
cant draw
cant think
cant laugh
cant do anything productive
i fucking just wanna sleep an endless dream away from reality.

the world is insane...
insanity keeps me alive.
apathy corrupts my soul...
this day sucks like hell.

...its hard to please everybody..
well at least not everybody,pleasing even those you'd like to be pleased is fuckin hard.
sigh...
o well...
even harder to please yourself...